It's Just Diary-A

Are you sure it isn't... A.I.?

2009-03-05T10:39:00.005-07:00

Good morning, Schmendel. It is good to see you back in session after your long spell of not feeling well. How are you feeling today?

Doc, I feel much better. I've got it all figured out now, so I've integrated therapies to deal with my symptoms until they subside.

Therapies, Schmendel? I have an email in your file here from Dr. Harris which says that you were in ideal physical condition, so tell me more about what you are doing.

Well, first of all, I figured out Dr. Harris is a little bit naive about what is going on in the world. A dangerous thing for a doctor who is supposed to detect diseases and heal people. Anyhoo, Dr. Harris said I was fine, as usual, so I figured it out on my own. I might even write all this down and sell it to a publisher, Doc. People really need to know.

Schmendel, let's focus on your most recent behaviors -- these therapies you mentioned?

Right, Doc. So I figured out I was really sick on account of when I was taking my lunch break at the park and there was this old lady throwing popcorn to the pigeons, which probably were not pigeons at all, but pigeontrons. I was watching her and thinking how wrong it was to feed birds people food. Birds should eat bird food, people should eat people food, right? So I sat down about 5 feet away from her -- see, Doc, I was observing her right to personal space -- and then when she threw the popcorn, I would crawl real fast over to it and shoo the pigeons off and eat it myself.

So you were eating food that was intended for birds from the ground in a public park?

Yeah. And then I had this feeling that you wouldn't like it, so I quit after like 20 minutes. The old lady got up and left, so I kind of had to quit. I just had the urge, you know. Pigeons just take whatever they want. It's a sickness, if you ask me.

Was this an isolated incident, Schmendel? Have you repeated this behavior?

Well, see, I knew you wouldn't like it, but I still really had the urge, so when I got home all the pigeons were there on my window sill. I really couldn't tell which were real and which were robotic. Technology is getting so good. Anyway, so I devised Park Pigeon Popcorn Therapy and it worked like a charm. Cured me.

Tell me more about Park Pigeon Popcorn Therapy, Schmendel.

Sure, cause you are probably going to want to share this with other patients, right, Doc? So PPPT, as I like to call it is simple: I popped up an entire bag of popcorn in the air popper since microwaved food kills brain cells and implants bad thoughts in the brain. I took the popcorn and I poured it all over the kitchen table in front of the pigeon window. They would have been licking their lips if they could have, Doc. Then I got the big box fan out and I put it on the counter. I turned the fan on and I ran to the window and when the popcorn started to blow all around the kitchen, I was running all around on my knees catching it. Those pigeons were out of their mind, pecking their little beaks on the window, wings fluttering. But they couldn't get the popcorn because it was MINE! My people food, not yours, you sick rats with wings. HA! You should have seen it, Doc, it was like....

Schmendel, let's take a calming breath and come back to our safe place together. I can see this activity was very satisfying for you. Was this the only activity you engaged in specific to therapies you created?

Sorry, Doc, but it was just so incredible. The other one didn't work out so well, but the PPPT was genius, if I do say so myself.

What was the other therapeutic activity, Schmendel?

Easy. It was when I was walking home from work that I thought about it. I kept getting this urge to climb up in trees and I couldn't stop thinking how cool it would be to just drop a brown bomb down on one of the cars that was parked on the street...

I'm sorry, Schmendel, what is a brown bomb?

A brown bomb, Doc? It's a poop, you know, like a feces, a bowel movement. Get it? Wow, I thought you had to be like totally educated to be a shrink...sheesh.

Continue please, Schmendel.

So I knew you would be all irritated if I climbed up a tree and started dropping brown bombers on the cars, so when I got home, I took that fake tree that I keep in my coat closet in case I need to camouflage myself when I answer the door and I sawed off the top and totally camouflaged my toilet. You couldn't even see there was one there, Doc. It was classic. Then I turned off the water and drained the toilet and painted the bottom of the toilet bowl with that glass paint stuff. I made it like a bird's eye view, get it, Doc? A bird's eye view if it was up in a tree looking down on like a BMW M3, right? A gray one, all freshly waxed. So then I climbed up on my toilet, or my Treelet, and it would have been bee-u-ti-fullllll! Except for...

Except for what, Schmendel?

Except I didn't have to go.

How did these activities make you feel, Schmendel?

Cured. Totally cured. I guess from now on I'll just skip Dr. Harris and fix myself up. Maybe more people need to do that, you know? Skip all this prescription stuff. I didn't even need one.

What did you believe you were curing yourself of, Schmendel?

Seriously, Doc? I thought you were way more savvy than that. I had Bird Flu. Duh.

Schmendel, can we explore the possibility that you did not have Avian Influenza?

Can you give me one good reason why not?

Because you are not a bird, Schmendel.

Oh. Okay. Bye.

10 Things I Will Discontinue At Work*

2009-01-27T12:10:00.004-07:00

*At the request of the HR lady. And I will include examples and initial each one. Also at the request of the HR lady.

1. I will discontinue commenting on Maribel's lunch choices in the cafeteria. For example, I will not say anything like, "Cool. You can have pizza on Weight Watchers? Five slices?" I will discontinue this even though Maribel made a big deal about telling everyone she joined Weight Watchers two years ago.

2. I will discontinue commenting on my coworker's family pictures. For example, I will not say anything like, "Your sons are nice looking. Are you sure they're really yours? Like biologically? I were you, I'd slap some DNA down on that one."

3. I will discontinue rubber cementing of my coworker's equipment while they are out of the office on vacation. For example, I will not go into Brian's cubicle while he is at Disney World and use rubber cement to glue his pens, pencils, telephone receiver, headset, stapler, staple remover, post-it caddy, or calculator to his desk top.

4. I will discontinue offering fast food side items when a task is requested of me in weekly meeting. For example, when Bossman asks me to put together a report on some insignificant topic, I will not answer him by saying, "Would you like fries with that?"

5. I will discontinue acting in a threatening or abusive manner toward animals. For example, I will not yell, "What do you want, you pathetic robots!" or "Filthy, spying rats with wings!" at the pigeons when I walk by the windows, nor will I fill squirt guns with holy water and shoot at them on my way in or out of the building.

6. I will discontinue mocking weekly meeting in verbal fashion. For example, when I am making a presentation and a coworker comments on my information, I will not yell, "Survey Says?" and point to the wall.

7. I will discontinue the use of protective equipment within my cubicle. For example, I will not wear my modulator (which the HR lady thinks is a colander wrapped in tin foil) on my head, nor will I wear gravity boots (which the HR lady thinks is two kleenex boxes wrapped in in foil), nor will I use my disguise kit (which the HR lady thinks are brown and black washable markers) to change my appearance by creating alternate eyebrows, mustaches, goatees, and beards.

8. I will discontinue answering the phone in an unhelpful manner. For example, I will not repeatedly question each caller by saying, "How did you get this number?"

9. I will discontinue behaviors which may disturb my coworkers. For example, I will not sit in my cubicle at lunch break with sunglasses on and point my hair dryer at my coworkers as they walk by while saying, "27 in a 25, Murphy" or "I've already given you a warning, Brenda. This time I'm going to have to write you a ticket."

10. I will discontinue referring to my coworkers and team leaders by their titles rather than their names. For example, when I meet with the HR lady, I will call the HR lady by her name, which is... I can't really remember right now, but I can describe her as the Lady who works in HR so we know to whom I am referring.

Are you sure it isn't... BSE?

2009-01-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon, Schmendel. Good to see you today. I understand this emergency session is a result of your appointment with Dr. Harris this morning. Dr. Harris requested that you come in to see me. Is that right?

Ya hmm. Because Dr. Harris, going all the way against his Hippocratic Oath, refuses to help me. I guess I just have to die on the floor and then someone will believe me. That's all. No big deal.

Schmendel, I'm hearing that you are upset. Let's discuss how you feel and perhaps we can reach into our emotional tool box and remember that sarcasm is a mask for pain or fear and not a method of authentic communication. I'm hearing that you are feeling ignored. Is that right?

Yes. Dr. Harris is ignorant. That is correct. Read More

Session 31

2009-01-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

Welcome, Schmendel. Good to see you today. You look well. Where shall we start today?

It doesn't matter. You aren't going to believe me anyway. You're going to write it down and send me on my way. Like an incredibly vulnerable pigeon you shoo away while you are eating lunch cause who wants pigeon on their sandwich and who cares that at any moment no less than 12 imminent dangers face that pigeon. You have a juicy sandwich, so who cares about...

Schmendel? Are you feeling like pigeons are tracking you again? Would you like to talk about that? Read More

The HR Lady

2009-01-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

Hello, Schmendel. Thanks for coming in. Have a seat.

Yah hmm.

We sent a memo out in October regarding the holidays, tolerance, and acceptable behavior. You indicated your having read that memo by initialing the distribution list here. Are those your initials indicating you read the memo?

Yah hmm. I followed that memo to the tee, too. Read More

Session 29

2009-01-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

t's good to see you this morning. Where would you like to start today?

Well, I know this stuff never bothers you, but the internet is making everybody act like freaks. It's worth noting, even though you don't care.

It's not that I don't care, however, we are here to discuss your feelings, so I'm more interested in how you feel about things. What influence do you feel the internet is having on people?

Well, the internet is making people take pictures of themselves with their own cameras and the pictures look all freaked out an lopsided. Read More

Write up

2009-01-04T20:38:00.001-07:00

I got written up for taking a break at work today, but I'm pretty sure it isn't valid. I might talk to the HR people about it. According to The Manual, I'm entitled to a 15-minute break every 4 hours. I checked it a minute ago. There is no designated break area anywhere on the property here, either, so I think the write-up is wrong. Yep. It's going to bother me, so I better call HR:

Human Resources, how may I help you? Read More

You should...

2009-01-03T20:00:00.001-07:00

...so then she says, "It's such a shame, you have such a pretty face." And I'm like, "Yeah? What do you think of my butt then?"

I don't get it.

Dude, truly? That is not a comment. It's half an insult. It means "Too bad your ass is so huge, you have such a pretty face."

Oh.

"But your ass messes up your prettiness quotient." Read More

Session 31

2009-01-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

Welcome, Schmendel. Good to see you today. You look well. Where shall we start today?

Schmendel? Are you feeling like pigeons are tracking you again? Would you like to talk about that?

Ha! Of course pigeons are tracking me. That's beside the point. That's like asking if the sun is shining on me again. Come on! We've been over this so many times. Robotically animated pigeon flocks are the means by which the government obtains so-called "satellite" images all across the globe. There are no satellites, but there are millions of pigeontrons capturing images of us all every minute of the day. That is a scientific fact.

So if the suspicion you have that pigeons are not, in fact, animals, but robots is not on your mind today. I'm hearing that you are feeling vulnerable in some way. Can we explore that a bit?

Okay. I had a real bad cold this week. Fever, barfing, all that stuff and I couldn't stop coughing enough to sleep, so I had no choice, see, I...

Schmendel, I'm hoping you aren't going to tell me you used Nysqueal. Your body chemistry has a very severe reaction to Nysqueal, as you've evidenced in the past. I would highly recommend, and Dr. Nabors concurs with me on this, that you never...

Skip it, Doc. I had to take Nysqueal. I didn't sleep for like four nights and I was starting to hear the fax tones from all the pigeontrons on my window sill. You know how that makes me feel uneasy, Doc?

Yes, Schmendel. I'm aware. So you took Nysqueal and what happened?

Nothing unusual. I went through my normal routines. I measured the rooms and noted the dimensions in my notebook. No shrinkage this week. I recovered my modulator and my three back-up modulators with fresh reflective material. I put chairs in front of all the doors and stacked empty aluminum cans on the seats in pyramid fashion. Then I took a regular adult dose of Nysqueal and swept my bedroom for electronic bugging devices and slipped into bed.

It sounds uneventful. What happened in the morning, then?

Nothing. I got up, put my modulator on its rack. Tested the coffee maker for arsenic. Called my mother from the shower while playing yodeling music in the background and dressed for work.

So there were no ill effects, then, Schmendel?

None whatsoever. Except for... Nevermind.

I'm hearing that you have more to tell me, Schmendel. Please, go on.

Well, while I was asleep, someone broke in to my apartment.

I'm sorry. You must have been terribly frightened.

Not really. I actually didn't even see them. And they didn't take anything. Not even the duct tape on my pajamas was touched.

I don't understand. How do you know someone broke in?

It was obvious, Doc. The minute I came out of my bedroom I saw them all. Very special. Someone obviously believes me, too, Doc.

What did you see, Schmendel? I don't understand?

A whole army of pigeontron clones, Doc, but made entirely out of reflective modulator material. I don't know why I never thought of it. They were lined up in every window and on top of every doorway. Genius, Doc. Pure genius. I guess I must be making an impression on someone, eh? Somebody wants to protect the Schmendel for once instead of me trying to protect the rest of the world.

I'm hearing that you feel nurtured and supported by the appearance of the "pigeontron clones." Is it possible the the Nysqueal played a role in this occurrence? Are you, perhaps, drawing the same connection here that I am, Schmendel?

Totally, Doc. We're on the same wavelength here. Nysqueal is how the pigeontron clones army knew where to find me. You figured that out, too, eh Doc?

Schmendel, let's pick it up here next week.

The HR Lady

2009-01-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

Hello, Schmendel. Thanks for coming in. Have a seat.

Yah hmm.

Yah hmm. I followed that memo to the tee, too.

Um hmm, so when you asked Marie in accounts payable, and I quote, what "her people" celebrate? To what where you referring? Her ethnicity?

I was referring to the people she would be celebrating with and whatever they do to celebrate. I wouldn't even know what her ethnicity is. If I had to guess, I'd say gummy bear...

Schmendel? Can you agree with me that saying "you people" or "your people" can be taken offensively, for future reference?

Yah hmm. You people in HR sure are sharp. Your people sure are trained well.

Schmendel? Never mind.

I'd like to say for the record that it is a great thing, as an employee like myself, to know that you people are on the job, making the workplace better for your people everyday...

You can go now, Schmendel.

Are you sure it isn't... BSE?

2008-12-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

Ya hmm. Because Dr. Harris, going all the way against his Hippocratic Oath, refuses to help me. I guess I just have to die on the floor and then someone will believe me. That's all. No big deal.

Yes. Dr. Harris is ignorant. That is correct.

Schmendel, name calling is not going to help us resolve the issue. Tell me about your visit with Dr. Harris.

I went to see Dr. Harris because I'm very ill and my symptoms are out of control. My modulator is useless, I can't get the hair to stand up on any of my troll dolls, and I needed medical assistance. So I went in for my appointment and I told Dr. Harris that I have BSE and I need to start treatment right away.

BSE? I'm sorry, but I'm not familiar. What is BSE?

Seriously? BSE? Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy? You know, Mad Cow Disease? I have Mad Cow Disease, Doc. There. Now you know. Do you want me to leave now before I infect you, too?

Schmendel, let's take our emotional pulse for a moment. Breathe. Clear our thoughts. I do not believe that you have Mad Cow Disease. I'd like to hear why you believe you do.

Easy, Doc. I've been getting real mad lately. The pigeons keep doing that chanting thing on my window sill. I ran out of duct tape, so I've had to staple my pajamas together and it takes a really long time to go to the bathroom at night. The old lady on the first floor keeps moving her flower pots from one side to the other to signal when I leave and when I come home again. And those guys that follow me home are getting really sloppy about not making it look like they are following me, so I have to circle the neighborhood at least six times before I can shake them and park...

Schmendel? I don't see how this relates to Mad Cow Disease.

Sorry. Anyway, Doc, I've been feeling real angry about how corn is genetically modified so it is almost like plastic now and all the environmental people are complaining about how many acres it takes to grow enough feed for one bovine to eat during its short life and how much methane we produce. I mean, how would you feel about people measuring your farts and then broadcasting it all over the news? We eat grass and all this genetically engineered feed and stand around all day without being able to run and frolic. Of course we fart like tubas, I mean...

Schmendel, hold on. You seem to be identifying with cows...

Don't stop me now, Doc. I'm onto something here. So we have this short little life of eating genetically engineered plastic corn while standing up to our knees in our own poo. Then we get blamed for ruining the earth because of all the land it takes to grow our feed. Then they say we fart too much. That is all we get to do, Doc. Feed and fart. How infuriating! And do you know what happens then? We get shot up with antibiotics and slaughtered, Doc. I'm so mad I just want to just charge at someone and run them through with my horns! I want to pull up some cud and just hock it at somebody! I want to squirt someone right in the face with steaming hot milk right from my udder! I want to...

Schmendel! Please calm down. I can see this is something you feel very strongly about. Have you been watching documentaries again? Remember when we discussed that documentaries are made to evoke certain feelings in the viewer? And we concluded that perhaps documentaries are not the best choice for you?

It's not my fault, Doc. It's the disease. Now do you see why I needed Dr. Harris' help?

Schmendel, I can guarantee you that you do not have Mad Cow Disease. Dr. Harris also was certain that you did not have Mad Cow Disease, therefore, he was correct in asking you to come and see me today. Can you trust my professional opinion that you do not have Mad Cow Disease?

Well, I don't know. I don't see how you can just take one look at me and be so sure. How do you know for sure that I don't have it?

Good question, Schmendel. I can positively say that you don't have Mad Cow Disease based on the fact that I am certain beyond any possible doubt that you are, in fact, not bovine, but human. Based on the fact that your are a human, I can absolutely rule out a disease present in the bovine species.

I'm not a cow? That's all you've got?

That's all that is necessary, Schmendel. Can we agree that you do not have Mad Cow Disease?

Ya hmm. I guess so. It's kind of good in a way.

Thinking positively is a great first step, Schmendel.

Yup. Cause I really want a hamburger and I was feeling all conflicted about that.

I'll see you next week, Schmendel.

Tag?

2008-12-04T14:19:00.004-07:00

Great. I've been tagged. As if the internet breathing down my neck isn't enough. So now I have to give the government even more identifying information, as if the satellite images don't quite suffice. Or the fingerprint images they lift every time I go to the post office. It makes me sick, but the good doctor says it is a game and I should play along and socialize. I'm getting hives.

Seven "weird" or "random" facts about me:

1. When I check into hotel rooms, I run a hairbrush across the mirror in grid sections to check for hidden two-way mirrors. If there is any question, I hang the bedsheet over it.

2. I always put my coat on before I answer the door to give the impression that I was just going out.

3. If I have to go to Walmart, I always pick up an employee phone and say, "Listen, it's Bob. You better get everybody over here. We have a major situation." Then I hang up and walk away.

4. I can write backward really fast. It's a skill I picked up in order to be prepared for when I get locked in a glass or plexiglass enclosure and need to signal for help.

5. When my coworkers go on vacation, I rubber cement their office supplies to the desktop.

6. The ocean freaks me out. I'm afraid of driving into it.

7. I'm very wary of birds because you can't always tell which are real and which are robots.

Now you are "tagged." You must:

1. Link the person who tagged you.

2. Post the rules on your blog.

3. Share seven random or weird facts about yourself.

4. Tag up to seven others (randomly is fine) and include links to their blogs.

5. Let each of the other people know by commenting on their blogs.

And I am reluctantly tagging:

It's Lovely! I'll Take It!

Session 29

2008-11-24T09:59:00.002-07:00

It's good to see you this morning. Where would you like to start today?

Well, I know this stuff never bothers you, but the internet is making everybody act like freaks. It's worth noting, even though you don't care.

It's not that I don't care, however, we are here to discuss your feelings, so I'm more interested in how you feel about things. What influence do you feel the internet is having on people?

Well, the internet is making people take pictures of themselves with their own cameras and the pictures look all freaked out an lopsided.

And that makes you feel...?

Well, not surprised, that's for sure. The internet sends beams out that make people do whack stuff. So everyone is putting pictures of themselves on it. But not normal, good pictures. No. They take their own pictures by stretching out one arm and snapping away. The internet makes them do it. Like they have to or the internet will do something bad, you know?

I'm hearing you say that you feel powerless about the possibilities of the internet. Is that right?

No. Not powerless. If I didn't wear my modulator, then I'd feel powerless. Have you even seen these self-taken pictures? They are all crooked and one shoulder is all cocked up and the angle is bad and the lighting is worse. People's own arms are right there in the picture. It's creepy and everyone is doing it. The internet is making them. I don't even think these people know about modulators. Modulators would save so many people.

So you've been wearing the colander on your head again. Does that increase your feelings of safety?

It's a modulator, not a colander. It deflects the beams from the internet, so you bet I feel safer with it on. But nobody listens to me. Someday a reporter will pick up on it and it'll hit the mainstream media bigtime. I'm sure studies have been done about it, but the internet deletes them whenever a research facility puts them out. But if the internet keeps making people take their own pictures...if it has that much control on them already, what is next? The internet will make them all eat wafers with microchips in them so it can tell where we are?

I'm hearing that you are feeling endangered or threatened by things you cannot control. Is that right?

I feel enlightened because I know about the internet and no one else seems to care. I want to send a memo to the world to not let the internet make you take your own picture. It's like a disease and it looks wrong. All blotchy lighting and crooked and one side of the face is too close to the camera. It's all distorted. Who doesn't have a self timer button anyway? Or a friend? I bet you could train your cat to push the button for you if you absolutely don't have anyone else around.

So I'm hearing that you are disturbed by the images you are seeing on the internet. One of your tools when you are feeling disturbed by the internet is a media fast. Those have worked well for you in the past. How would you feel about turning the computer and television off for a day or two?

I guess that would be okay...Wait a minute! Where is your sticky note? That monitor is looking right at me! The internet can see me! AHHHHH!!!

Let's take some relaxing breaths. I didn't put a sticky note over the camera port on my monitor. That is true. I want you to think about, just think about, the possibility that the internet cannot see you through the camera port. What if, as we've discussed before, it is just a camera port for one of the applications on the computer? Can you consider that possibility with me? Will you come out from under the table and evaluate the situation with me?

Not until the internet stops staring at me. I don't have my modulator. I'm not safe.

Okay, I've covered the camera. How are you feeling now?

Better now that I'm not being x-rayed through the brain. You can't just leave it uncovered. I've told you that twice. Last time the internet saw me here and heard me talking about it, it wouldn't allow my coffee maker to work for two days. The internet gets really angry. The internet needs to be in control. And that is without even considering the banana hormones...

I'm not familiar with banana hormones, but I am hearing that you feel vulnerable.

If you were smart, Doc, you'd feel vulnerable too. We are like sitting ducks. Even without bananas.

So I'm hearing that you have negative feelings about bananas. How do they make you feel?

No way, Doc. I never touch them on account of all the hormones they inject into bananas to make people crave the internet...

Our time is up for today. We'll begin with bananas next time.

Write up

2008-11-13T12:41:00.002-07:00

Human Resources, how may I help you?

I got written up today for taking a break and I don't think it is valid. I'm entitled to a fifteen-minute break every four hours, according to The Manual.

Okay, give me your name and I'll look it up. Do I have your permission to access your employee file?

Sure.

I'll be back in a moment.

Kay. Hmm hmmmm hmm hmmmm hmm...

Okay, I have it here. It really does not reference any break, but the write up is for inappropriate use of company equipment. Is that the incident you are talking about?

Yup. That's what El Bosso said, too. But I was just taking my break. I was standing still. I wasn't even holding anything. So how about we just rip this one up?

Can you hold while I call your supervisor?

Kay. Doo doo doooo. Doobie dooo. Doo dooooo...

Okay, I've spoken with your supervisor. According to my information, the write-up is valid. You are always able to file a grievance if you like, however the facts support this one. Really, it is nothing to worry about. Think of any write-up as an opportunity to become more aware of your own behaviors and learn from them. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

I don't get it. I was just taking my break. To which I am entitled.

You are absolutely entitled to breaks here at The Company, however, we strive for a comfortable, safe environment for our employees and when you use your break time to ride up and down in the elevator while facing a corner and yelling, "Run for your life!" at each floor, that can work against our goals.

Kay. Bye.

You should...

2008-10-26T22:48:00.003-07:00

...so then she says, "It's such a shame, you have such a pretty face." And I'm like, "Yeah? What do you think of my butt then?"

I don't get it.

Dude, truly? That is not a comment. It's half an insult. It means "Too bad your ass is so huge, you have such a pretty face."

Oh.

"But your ass messes up your prettiness quotient." Get it? It's really insulting to say that to someone. It's like telling someone that they look good from the front, then, whoaaaa, what is that huge thing stuck to the back of you? Nevermind. But if you can surgically lift off the face part and put it on someone else with a more aesthetically pleasing body shape, that would be good. Ever seen that movie, Face Off?

Okay. I see. You should be writing one of those blog things. You have stories, you know?

No thanks. I'm keeping my stories locked up in here where they aren't...admissible.