Are you sure it isn't... A.I.?

Good morning, Schmendel. It is good to see you back in session after your long spell of not feeling well. How are you feeling today?

Doc, I feel much better. I've got it all figured out now, so I've integrated therapies to deal with my symptoms until they subside. 

Therapies, Schmendel? I have an email in your file here from Dr. Harris which says that you were in ideal physical condition, so tell me more about what you are doing. 

Well, first of all, I figured out Dr. Harris is a little bit naive about what is going on in the world. A dangerous thing for a doctor who is supposed to detect diseases and heal people. Anyhoo, Dr. Harris said I was fine, as usual, so I figured it out on my own. I might even write all this down and sell it to a publisher, Doc. People really need to know. 

Schmendel, let's focus on your most recent behaviors  -- these therapies you mentioned?

Right, Doc. So I figured out I was really sick on account of when I was taking my lunch break at the park and there was this old lady throwing popcorn to the pigeons, which probably were not pigeons at all, but pigeontrons. I was watching her and thinking how wrong it was to feed birds people food. Birds should eat bird food, people should eat people food, right? So I sat down about 5 feet away from her -- see, Doc, I was observing her right to personal space -- and then when she threw the popcorn, I would crawl real fast over to it and shoo the pigeons off and eat it myself. 

So you were eating food that was intended for birds from the ground in a public park?

Yeah. And then I had this feeling that you wouldn't like it, so I quit after like 20 minutes. The old lady got up and left, so I kind of had to quit. I just had the urge, you know. Pigeons just take whatever they want. It's a sickness, if you ask me. 

Was this an isolated incident, Schmendel? Have you repeated this behavior? 

Well, see, I knew you wouldn't like it, but I still really had the urge, so when I got home all the pigeons were there on my window sill. I really couldn't tell which were real and which were robotic. Technology is getting so good. Anyway, so I devised Park Pigeon Popcorn Therapy and it worked like a charm. Cured me. 

Tell me more about Park Pigeon Popcorn Therapy, Schmendel. 

Sure, cause you are probably going to want to share this with other patients, right, Doc? So PPPT, as I like to call it is simple: I popped up an entire bag of popcorn in the air popper since microwaved food kills brain cells and implants bad thoughts in the brain. I took the popcorn and I poured it all over the kitchen table in front of the pigeon window. They would have been licking their lips if they could have, Doc. Then I got the big box fan out and I put it on the counter. I turned the fan on and I ran to the window and when the popcorn started to blow all around the kitchen, I was running all around on my knees catching it. Those pigeons were out of their mind, pecking their little beaks on the window, wings fluttering. But they couldn't get the popcorn because it was MINE! My people food, not yours, you sick rats with wings. HA! You should have seen it, Doc, it was like....

Schmendel, let's take a calming breath and come back to our safe place together. I can see this activity was very satisfying for you. Was this the only activity you engaged in specific to therapies you created? 

Sorry, Doc, but it was just so incredible. The other one didn't work out so well, but the PPPT was genius, if I do say so myself. 

What was the other therapeutic activity, Schmendel? 

Easy. It was when I was walking home from work that I thought about it. I kept getting this urge to climb up in trees and I couldn't stop thinking how cool it would be to just drop a brown bomb down on one of the cars that was parked on the street...

I'm sorry, Schmendel, what is a brown bomb? 

A brown bomb, Doc? It's a poop, you know, like a feces, a bowel movement. Get it? Wow, I thought you had to be like totally educated to be a shrink...sheesh. 

Continue please, Schmendel.

So I knew you would be all irritated if I climbed up a tree and started dropping brown bombers on the cars, so when I got home, I took that fake tree that I keep in my coat closet in case I need to camouflage myself when I answer the door and I sawed off the top and totally camouflaged my toilet. You couldn't even see there was one there, Doc. It was classic. Then I turned off the water and drained the toilet and painted the bottom of the toilet bowl with that glass paint stuff. I made it like a bird's eye view, get it, Doc? A bird's eye view if it was up in a tree looking down on like a BMW M3, right? A gray one, all freshly waxed. So then I climbed up on my toilet, or my Treelet, and it would have been bee-u-ti-fullllll! Except for... 

Except for what, Schmendel? 

Except I didn't have to go. 

How did these activities make you feel, Schmendel? 

Cured. Totally cured. I guess from now on I'll just skip Dr. Harris and fix myself up. Maybe more people need to do that, you know? Skip all this prescription stuff. I didn't even need one. 

What did you believe you were curing yourself of, Schmendel? 

Seriously, Doc? I thought you were way more savvy than that. I had Bird Flu. Duh. 

Schmendel, can we explore the possibility that you did not have Avian Influenza? 

Can you give me one good reason why not? 

Because you are not a bird, Schmendel. 

Oh. Okay. Bye.  

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10 Things I Will Discontinue At Work*

*At the request of the HR lady. And I will include examples and initial each one. Also at the request of the HR lady.

1. I will discontinue commenting on Maribel's lunch choices in the cafeteria. For example, I will not say anything like, "Cool. You can have pizza on Weight Watchers? Five slices?" I will discontinue this even though Maribel made a big deal about telling everyone she joined Weight Watchers two years ago. 

2. I will discontinue commenting on my coworker's family pictures. For example, I will not say anything like, "Your sons are nice looking. Are you sure they're really yours? Like biologically? I were you, I'd slap some DNA down on that one."

3. I will discontinue rubber cementing of my coworker's equipment while they are out of the office on vacation. For example, I will not go into Brian's cubicle while he is at Disney World and use rubber cement to glue his pens, pencils, telephone receiver, headset, stapler, staple remover, post-it caddy, or calculator to his desk top. 

4. I will discontinue offering fast food side items when a task is requested of me in weekly meeting. For example, when Bossman asks me to put together a report on some insignificant topic, I will not answer him by saying, "Would you like fries with that?"

5. I will discontinue acting in a threatening or abusive manner toward animals. For example, I will not yell, "What do you want, you pathetic robots!" or "Filthy, spying rats with wings!" at the pigeons when I walk by the windows, nor will I fill squirt guns with holy water and shoot at them on my way in or out of the building. 

6. I will discontinue mocking weekly meeting in verbal fashion. For example, when I am making a presentation and a coworker comments on my information, I will not yell, "Survey Says?" and point to the wall.

7. I will discontinue the use of protective equipment within my cubicle. For example, I will not wear my modulator (which the HR lady thinks is a colander wrapped in tin foil) on my head, nor will I wear gravity boots (which the HR lady thinks is two kleenex boxes wrapped in in foil), nor will I use my disguise kit (which the HR lady thinks are brown and black washable markers) to change my appearance by creating alternate eyebrows, mustaches, goatees, and beards. 

8. I will discontinue answering the phone in an unhelpful manner. For example, I will not repeatedly question each caller by saying, "How did you get this number?"

9. I will discontinue behaviors which may disturb my coworkers. For example, I will not sit in my cubicle at lunch break with sunglasses on and point my hair dryer at my coworkers as they walk by while saying, "27 in a 25, Murphy" or "I've already given you a warning, Brenda. This time I'm going to have to write you a ticket."

10. I will discontinue referring to my coworkers and team leaders by their titles rather than their names. For example, when I meet with the HR lady, I will call the HR lady by her name, which is... I can't really remember right now, but I can describe her as the Lady who works in HR so we know to whom I am referring.

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